Renewed Passion

I know most of the time when I blog, I share some kind of funny thing that has happened or talk about whatever strikes my fancy. Well, a couple of events have happened recently to me that have caused me to take a backward forward look. So as you read this understand I haven’t lost my mind, and I have no plans to jump off a cliff anytime soon. I may ramble for awhile so hang on.

“Backward forward”, I don’t what caused that to pop out of my head. It’s just that lately I have been looking at my life, doing a self examination, where I have been and where I am right now, and what the direction is for the future. Thus the term- Backward forward.

I know part of this as risen up out of my personal time alone with God. The result is me taking the step to pray this decidedly challenging prayer-

Lord, renew my passion, give me a fresh wind, a fresh fire.

It’s very simple, yet very powerful. I have this scrap of a tune floating around in my head ever since I started praying this prayer. I am not a great song writer, but I have written a couple of songs for our church, that we use on a regular basis, nothing great, just simple songs that have come out of my heart. This scrap of a song and tune speaks of lost dreams. Since it is unfinished the thoughts are incomplete. However one verse says this:

"Dreams piece by piece have been chipped away, in my life. A passion that was once there, is gone. It has drifted away on the wind. Where did the dreams go? Lord, please take the hurt of my lost dreams. Renew the passion I once had for you."

Wow, it seems like such a downer and depressing thought. But I think it is part of the answer God is trying give me as a result of this prayer I dared to pray. It really hit me when I heard the news that one our senior adults passed away recently. Mac and Mary were so devoted to each other. I can still see them holding hands while walking down the hall at church together. They shared with me stories of how they met, and fell in love. It was a love that genuine and real. Mac’s example of a husband’s love really struck a chord with me. Would I have that same passion when I get to be 80? It made me think about my passion for Christ and for my wife and kids. Long relationships seem so rare these days.

Passion- I thought about what has been missing in my life, (if I am really honest with myself it’s been missing the last few years) it’s been passion, fearlessness, boldness, adventure, following God no matter who said what or when, or even when others are telling me no, and me just doing it anyway because God said so. Where is the guy that would drive all night, to be a part of a medical mission project on the border, stay up all night to get back home, and get back in time to do church? Where the guy who took off with 10 other brave souls into the Northern Mexico desert for week, with no water, no electricity, in the middle of the summer heat, only to meet with the Mexican army at a military check point after they had a running battle with drug dealers, to see bodies lined up by road, (remember that nara visa cowboy), their guns trained us, as the missionary and I, others talked our through the checkpoint, and never even thought of turning back?
Where is the guy who went back to school at 31, with no money, as he and his family lived on rice and beans, and yet saw God move so many times during those years?

I am beginning to understand just how beat up I was when I came to Port Lavaca. I came from a church in Oklahoma that I lead through what I call the worship war – leading a church change it worship styles. I already beat up coming from the strain of holding a church together in Colorado, and being told by that pastor I needed to leave. No job, no nothing. God provided. But I felt like walking away from this church stuff all together. I remember instances of church traditions that must be rigidly followed no matter God might be saying when I was up in the Texas panhandle.

To those reading this I am not on some kind of pity party or depressed. It just that ministry is hard, your dreams of serving God get chipped away little by little. It is so tempting just to set back, and do church. Doing church is easy, it will run itself But I am not ready to do church.

If you are reading this, you are one the chosen ones- those loved ones God has placed in my life. You are my friends, and we share the common bond of Christ. You have guided me at times, shared you wisdom with me, and put up with me.

What am I seeking from you? Prayer, prayer for renewed passion in my life and in yours. I can tell you, I know God is in the process of answering this simple powerful prayer of a renewed passion, and a renewed spirit in my life. I sense a new excitement. I don’t know what is around the next corner, but I don’t want to know. I just want the faith and the passion to once again say, “it time to saddle up boys and girls,” and if no one is willing to saddle up with me, to still be bold enough to take off across this desert place we call life.

I have reached the big middle of my life. The first half was filled with this raw adventure called being a follower of Christ. I desire for the second half to be even more. I closing I’ve got God, and, He gave me moon pies and RC cola, and after all, what else does one really need?

Job 11:15-19