It's about time.

Slowly but surely I am trying to put my story together about what has happened to me over the last few months. It is painful and hard. As I write it, I know I will have a tendency to hide things and whitewash the facts. So let me state it here and now, like it or not, I failed. Yes, I screwed up. I am a sinner and thank God for second chances.

So here goes, at least briefly. I am not longer in the ministry. I am no longer married to Becky. Yes, after 34 years, it's over. The reasons are many, but when it comes down to it. I did not follow the commands God gave me to follow. Our marriage did not fall apart all of a sudden. No, it was piece by piece over the years. Becky had personal issues, which I will not discuss, you would have to ask her. We did not really talk and as the years went by, and I allowed my job and ministry to consume my life, we talked even less and weren't honest with each other. Even now, I wonder at times if I am being honest with myself.

So instead of being honest with each other, we beat each other up. I tried to compensate by working harder and changed churches a couple of times. It didn't work. It just imploded. We tried counseling briefly. I even got on some antidepressant medication for awhile. Nothing really worked. Neither one of us had the emotional energy to really try.

Now, amidst all of the this, is the truth. This is hard, but must be said, I will not lie to those I call my friends. I did turn to someone to talk to during this time. Becky accused my of having an affair. Was I? emotionally, I cannot deny it. For the first time in a long time, I had someone to talk to, maybe for the first time ever. That, I know now was the final nail in the coffin in my marriage.

So, here I am now, finding myself, feeling very ashamed. Two of my kids, won't even talk to me, I am starting over with some kind of career. Right now I am working construction for my brother. I don't really have an idea of what to do yet. It's kind of frightening to be in the job market, with no real skills. I gave insurance a brief try. The sales part wasn't for me. It just didn't feel right. So, for now, the physical labor is good for me. It helps me work out my frustrations.

Yes, I am remarried. Her name is Janet. We talk about everything and are honest with each other. We go to church together and enjoy doing things together. No I am not serving in any way. I need to heal, plus I know the other side of church work. I try real hard not let anyone at church know I am a former minister. I have a feeling they will try to put me to work, and I don't want or need that right now.

So friends, this is who I am, and where I am right now. Ashamed, yes I am. I think of former youth and church members and how disappointed they must be in me. Quite honestly, I avoided talking or being in contact with any of you. You may not want to have anything to do with me, and that's ok. I sought God and His forgiveness, and am now taking some baby steps to recovery. It will be hard and life will never be the same. But I can't just lay down anymore, and run away and hide. It's time to put my face into the wind, and take up this cross I have, and with God's help, allow Him to carry it with me.