Why? Or the musings of a person with an overactive mind.

I have questions about things from time to time. Nothing deep, just questions about stuff. Like for instance........

Why do they call corned beef corned, there is no corn in it?

Why do they call a coaster a coaster? I thought the coast was the land next to the sea. So if you lived there you could be called a coaster, a person, not something that goes underneath a drink.

So where does a marshmellow get it's name? It doesn't taste like a marsh.

How come we don't ask why, more often?

Asking why could just change things. So, what's your why?

I like red wildflowers, why? I don't know. Now, why is that?

It's about time.

Slowly but surely I am trying to put my story together about what has happened to me over the last few months. It is painful and hard. As I write it, I know I will have a tendency to hide things and whitewash the facts. So let me state it here and now, like it or not, I failed. Yes, I screwed up. I am a sinner and thank God for second chances.

So here goes, at least briefly. I am not longer in the ministry. I am no longer married to Becky. Yes, after 34 years, it's over. The reasons are many, but when it comes down to it. I did not follow the commands God gave me to follow. Our marriage did not fall apart all of a sudden. No, it was piece by piece over the years. Becky had personal issues, which I will not discuss, you would have to ask her. We did not really talk and as the years went by, and I allowed my job and ministry to consume my life, we talked even less and weren't honest with each other. Even now, I wonder at times if I am being honest with myself.

So instead of being honest with each other, we beat each other up. I tried to compensate by working harder and changed churches a couple of times. It didn't work. It just imploded. We tried counseling briefly. I even got on some antidepressant medication for awhile. Nothing really worked. Neither one of us had the emotional energy to really try.

Now, amidst all of the this, is the truth. This is hard, but must be said, I will not lie to those I call my friends. I did turn to someone to talk to during this time. Becky accused my of having an affair. Was I? emotionally, I cannot deny it. For the first time in a long time, I had someone to talk to, maybe for the first time ever. That, I know now was the final nail in the coffin in my marriage.

So, here I am now, finding myself, feeling very ashamed. Two of my kids, won't even talk to me, I am starting over with some kind of career. Right now I am working construction for my brother. I don't really have an idea of what to do yet. It's kind of frightening to be in the job market, with no real skills. I gave insurance a brief try. The sales part wasn't for me. It just didn't feel right. So, for now, the physical labor is good for me. It helps me work out my frustrations.

Yes, I am remarried. Her name is Janet. We talk about everything and are honest with each other. We go to church together and enjoy doing things together. No I am not serving in any way. I need to heal, plus I know the other side of church work. I try real hard not let anyone at church know I am a former minister. I have a feeling they will try to put me to work, and I don't want or need that right now.

So friends, this is who I am, and where I am right now. Ashamed, yes I am. I think of former youth and church members and how disappointed they must be in me. Quite honestly, I avoided talking or being in contact with any of you. You may not want to have anything to do with me, and that's ok. I sought God and His forgiveness, and am now taking some baby steps to recovery. It will be hard and life will never be the same. But I can't just lay down anymore, and run away and hide. It's time to put my face into the wind, and take up this cross I have, and with God's help, allow Him to carry it with me.

Independence Day

It's July 4th weekend, and I was reminded in church today that is more than just July 4th, but Independence Day. With that in mind, since it has been several months since my last blog entry, and since much has happened, and since this has turned into run on sentence,( my blog, I do what I want. Deal with it) I finally have something I need to say.

I am munching on peanut brittle and not worried about the calories. It's Sunday, they won't stick. My rules. Anyway, I went to our town's July 4th parade yesterday and took some pictures. A great little parade until the end when the last float came down with a picture of Obama, and Ceasar Chavez on it. Enough already! Can't we just celebrate who we are without having the political stuff shoved down our throats.

Now I realize this is a part of our heritage, but I fear it will soon change. A few years from now we might not be able to celebrate. Gloom and doom, maybe, but here are what 5 leaders of our country had to say:

It is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favor.

George Washington

We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion. Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.

John Adams

And can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are of the gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with His wrath? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that His justice cannot sleep forever.

Thomas Jefferson

I’ve lived, sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth: That God governs in the affairs of men. If a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice, is it probable that an empire can rise without His aid? We’ve been assured in the sacred writings that unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.

Benjamin Franklin

America needs God more than God needs America. If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a Nation gone under.

Ronald Reagan.

My point, our leaders knew about the inportance of a relationship and belief in God. I fear we have forgotten that and our nation has gone it's own way. So for at least today, this day, July 4th, I celebrate my freedom. My freedom to believe in God, my freedom to overeat and get fat, if I want, my freedom to worship where I please and to whom I please. My freedom to sit on the couch with my wife and smooch if I want. My freedom to work hard, and play hard. Now it's off my chest. Here are some more pictures to enjoy.