It's about time.

Slowly but surely I am trying to put my story together about what has happened to me over the last few months. It is painful and hard. As I write it, I know I will have a tendency to hide things and whitewash the facts. So let me state it here and now, like it or not, I failed. Yes, I screwed up. I am a sinner and thank God for second chances.

So here goes, at least briefly. I am not longer in the ministry. I am no longer married to Becky. Yes, after 34 years, it's over. The reasons are many, but when it comes down to it. I did not follow the commands God gave me to follow. Our marriage did not fall apart all of a sudden. No, it was piece by piece over the years. Becky had personal issues, which I will not discuss, you would have to ask her. We did not really talk and as the years went by, and I allowed my job and ministry to consume my life, we talked even less and weren't honest with each other. Even now, I wonder at times if I am being honest with myself.

So instead of being honest with each other, we beat each other up. I tried to compensate by working harder and changed churches a couple of times. It didn't work. It just imploded. We tried counseling briefly. I even got on some antidepressant medication for awhile. Nothing really worked. Neither one of us had the emotional energy to really try.

Now, amidst all of the this, is the truth. This is hard, but must be said, I will not lie to those I call my friends. I did turn to someone to talk to during this time. Becky accused my of having an affair. Was I? emotionally, I cannot deny it. For the first time in a long time, I had someone to talk to, maybe for the first time ever. That, I know now was the final nail in the coffin in my marriage.

So, here I am now, finding myself, feeling very ashamed. Two of my kids, won't even talk to me, I am starting over with some kind of career. Right now I am working construction for my brother. I don't really have an idea of what to do yet. It's kind of frightening to be in the job market, with no real skills. I gave insurance a brief try. The sales part wasn't for me. It just didn't feel right. So, for now, the physical labor is good for me. It helps me work out my frustrations.

Yes, I am remarried. Her name is Janet. We talk about everything and are honest with each other. We go to church together and enjoy doing things together. No I am not serving in any way. I need to heal, plus I know the other side of church work. I try real hard not let anyone at church know I am a former minister. I have a feeling they will try to put me to work, and I don't want or need that right now.

So friends, this is who I am, and where I am right now. Ashamed, yes I am. I think of former youth and church members and how disappointed they must be in me. Quite honestly, I avoided talking or being in contact with any of you. You may not want to have anything to do with me, and that's ok. I sought God and His forgiveness, and am now taking some baby steps to recovery. It will be hard and life will never be the same. But I can't just lay down anymore, and run away and hide. It's time to put my face into the wind, and take up this cross I have, and with God's help, allow Him to carry it with me.

Independence Day

It's July 4th weekend, and I was reminded in church today that is more than just July 4th, but Independence Day. With that in mind, since it has been several months since my last blog entry, and since much has happened, and since this has turned into run on sentence,( my blog, I do what I want. Deal with it) I finally have something I need to say.

I am munching on peanut brittle and not worried about the calories. It's Sunday, they won't stick. My rules. Anyway, I went to our town's July 4th parade yesterday and took some pictures. A great little parade until the end when the last float came down with a picture of Obama, and Ceasar Chavez on it. Enough already! Can't we just celebrate who we are without having the political stuff shoved down our throats.

Now I realize this is a part of our heritage, but I fear it will soon change. A few years from now we might not be able to celebrate. Gloom and doom, maybe, but here are what 5 leaders of our country had to say:

It is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favor.

George Washington

We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion. Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.

John Adams

And can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are of the gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with His wrath? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that His justice cannot sleep forever.

Thomas Jefferson

I’ve lived, sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth: That God governs in the affairs of men. If a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice, is it probable that an empire can rise without His aid? We’ve been assured in the sacred writings that unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.

Benjamin Franklin

America needs God more than God needs America. If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a Nation gone under.

Ronald Reagan.

My point, our leaders knew about the inportance of a relationship and belief in God. I fear we have forgotten that and our nation has gone it's own way. So for at least today, this day, July 4th, I celebrate my freedom. My freedom to believe in God, my freedom to overeat and get fat, if I want, my freedom to worship where I please and to whom I please. My freedom to sit on the couch with my wife and smooch if I want. My freedom to work hard, and play hard. Now it's off my chest. Here are some more pictures to enjoy.

Well It's Time

It's been a long time since I have posted anything in my blog here. No real reason not to, just haven't been inspired lately. There has been this inner struggle in my personal life. I think major changes are about to take place for me. I don't really know when, by I am so looking forward to them.

I got up this morning before dawn and went to the beach to take pictures of the sunrise. It was a very quiet and peaceful time. It was calm little or no wind. I had a conversation with a close friend and just enjoyed the time. Here are 4 pictures that I took, that I kind of like. Hope you enjoy.

It Looks Peaceful But........

It's Thursday before the main event on Saturday. I don't know really now what to expect. Greg and I have paddled over 290 miles in preparation. I have gone over my food list twice. We have got on Google Earth and ran the river mentally. I have exercised, watched my diet, prepared as much as I know how. But the longest I have paddled continuously is 12 hours.

I face the unknown here. Greg did this race last year with his brother. He knows what it is like to go 72 hours with little or no sleep. Me, I have never done that. So, now I must face my own fears and uncertainties. Can I really do this? Will I break down mentally or physically? What happens if one of us gets hurt? What about heat exhaustion, snakes, spiders, and such?

Still, with these uncertainties and fears taking up space in my mind. I do feel pretty calm.
Why? Well, maybe it's because of my faith in God and His ability to keep me safe and not mine. It's also, because of the positive influence of friends in my life over the years. Here's some things I am thinking right now as begin to put my game face on and get myself into the right frame of mind.

First law of holes- when you're in one, stopping digging!

Be faithful to what exists within yourself.

Courage is putting yourself in a defenseless position.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines.Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Mark Twain

I am convinced that the only thing between you and your destiny is one small act of courage. On courageous choice may be the only thing between you and your dream becoming reality. But you've got to push over the first domino.

Finally, I guess this sums up what I feeling and really what to say.

Failing to take a risk is almost like losing a piece of the jigsaw puzzle of your life. It leaves a gaping hole. When we get to the end of our lives, our greatest regrets will be the missing pieces.

It all begins Saturday, June 13, at 9:00 a.m. Let the dominos fall.

Luling to Gonzales

This last Friday, Greg and I paddled from Luling to Gonzales. It was about 39 miles. Now of all the practice runs we have done, this one was the hardest. It took us 10 hours and 54 minutes, averaging 3.6 mph to cover that 39 miles. There was low water, multiple trees acrossthe river, and a couple of major log jams. I don't know how many times we had to get out of the boat. I lost count, maybe 20 times. We went under trees, over trees. Pulled the canoe up the bank, through brush and thorns, weeds, stickers, and most any plant that had thorns. It was a challenge. Now this section of river will seperate the contenders from those that really want it. My philosophy is no matter how bad it is, it will just punish our opponent. The mental part of the race is so important. Because so much of it is willing yourself to go on especially when you are tired, Mentally, I did not have a good day. I really had to push myself. So part of my own personal preparation will be to get myself mentally prepared. I don't really know how to do this, but I have about 3 weeks to find out and put it all together. I love this part of the challenge.

Now, we have at this point paddled over 250 miles. Friday was work, but I know it will be worth it. Now, we are in the final stretch of our preparations. We have food , and equipment lists to prepare. Weight is critical, so every battery, every piece of eqiupment has to be weighed and counted. We need to take only what we need and nothing more. This week Greg and I will be putting our heads together to finalize our lists. I am holding out for trying to figure out a way to have a hot cup of coffee, I need my caffeine. HAHA!

The Real Deal

Saturday, Greg and I took off again to scout and practice paddling again as we continue to prepare for the Texas Water Safari. Today, we paddled from Victoria to Tivoli, on the Guadalupe River. Since we were practicing, we changed position in the boat. I moved to the rear and Greg moved to the front. The man in the front is more of the motor, while the man in the rear paddles and steers the boat and tries to keep it going in a straight line. It was my first time to spend an extended amount of time doing that. I would say I did okay, but not great. I had us going kind of like a snake down the river. It was a new experience for me. I found there is a lot more thinking involved. I enjoyed it, and could do it on some of the easy parts of the river, but on the really tough places with lots of twists and turns, Greg is better.

We got a taste today of what the real deal would be like. Two logjams, one a half a mile long, the other a quarter of a mile long. We had to get out of the boat and pull it up onto the river bank and drag the canoe a half of a mile one time through the woods and a quarter of a mile another time. Mosquitoes were thick, as was poison ivy and poison oak. Deep Woods Off did not even phase them. We sprayed each other twice, but it did no good. My back is covered with bites.
One time when putting the canoe back in the river, we couldn't find a place to put it back in, so we lowered it down a sheer bank on the river which was about 6 feet tall. Greg lowered himself down by hanging on a root. Naturally, the root broke and Greg fell putting a dent in the boat, luckily he was alright, only bruised a little bit. You can see by the pictures that was a fun day, full of challenges. Greg reminded me, that so much of this is a mental game. Like these logjams, we know where they are now, and that is important, because we will be paddling this section of the river at night. Without proper preparation, this section could turn into a nightmare, especially after two days with little or no sleep.

At this point we have paddled just right at 200 miles. We are starting to get into pretty good paddling shape. I am so glad I am making myself workout, run, and run bleachers. I needed all of the endurance I had for this last Saturday. The adventure and preparation continues. I am learning more about myself and about Greg, and what it takes as a team each time we go out. I just hope I don't have poison ivy on me now. Keep praying, the ulimate test awaits.

Paddling Partner

I thought I needed to tell you little bit about the guy I'm paddling with. I would never be doing this of it were not for Greg Wynn. Greg is married and has two beautiful daughters. He works for BP has an engineer. In 1990, Greg has an industrial accident that caused him to lose his right eye and scar his lungs. Now you would not know it watching Greg. He does not let those handicaps slow him down or stop him. He is a very strong Christian and deacon in our church.

I really admire Greg. He doesn't say much, but when he does, I have learned to listen, for what he is about to say is important. Even though Greg is 41, I have found him to be wise beyond his years. I am very fortunate to be able to share this paddling experience with him. He has taught me more than just how to paddle and be in a marathon race, he has shown me a passion for life. We share this common interest in music. We'll be out there on the river just singing away with some song, just enjoying the experience of being in nature, and God's creation. I know some the other canoe and kayaks might give us some kind of look, but I think it's great.

So as you pray for me as I continue to prepare, pray for Greg and his family. Pray for our friendship and attitudes as we continue to train and then participate in this race. Attitude is everything in an event like this, and I know my attitude can get out of hand pretty quick.